too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
