all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
