I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
