don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
