I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
