if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
