Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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