cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
