I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
