I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
