My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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