dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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