Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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