Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
