We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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