When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
