Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
