If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
