mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
