I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
