census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
