I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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