Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
