This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
