I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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