If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
