remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
