Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
