"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
