Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
vagina is talking i cant
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
