I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
