That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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