Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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