but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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