His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
