Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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