Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
