I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
