she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
