dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
