So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
