Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
smell my finger.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
