So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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