she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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