I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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