The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
