Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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