where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
How's work?
Spinning.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
