While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Randomize
