You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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