You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
